I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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