gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
