i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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