My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
