I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
