well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
