I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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