Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
