I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
