he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
