If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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