I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
