I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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