YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
