OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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