and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
