I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
