she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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