I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
