You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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