I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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