We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
