you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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