My first STD was from a foam party
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
