Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
