remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
zippers are such a cool invention
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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