So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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