my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
