Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm really busy with my period
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