FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
