Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
