I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
