So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
