I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize