I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
