i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
