so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
