so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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