Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
