just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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