Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
