I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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