I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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