You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
