You're completely useless in the revolution.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
