I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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