We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
