I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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