Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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