and you said cock pushups were impossible
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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