I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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