come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
