Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
