i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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