absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
