I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My bed smells like the plague
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize